I was 21 years old when I married my college sweetheart. Let’s be real, that’s really young.
When I got engaged, it somehow never occurred to me that the act of marrying my husband would also entitle me to adopt my husband’s name.
Somehow, I acquired one of those name change kits, and after the honeymoon, I dusted it off and found myself staring at it. For some inexplicable reason, I began to grow anxious. “Why would I change my name? I have been Alexis Idalia Marrero for 21 years. I have been married to Jeff for 7 days – I can’t take his name!?”
When faced with the prospect of changing my name, I found that I had a weirdly emotional connection to my maiden name. Everything in my young life that I had accomplished up to this point was accomplished under my maiden name. It felt weird to substitute my name for his.
The whole thing seemed inexplicably ridiculous to me. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with taking your spouse’s name. It is a deeply personal decision. Many people wait in eager expectation of the day that they can adopt their spouse’s name and that is perfectly valid, reasonable, and beautiful – it’s just not for everyone.
Women in my family and close circle shared with me that they had a similar connection to their maiden name and understood my struggle.
I sat down and spoke to my husband and debated the pros and cons of changing my name. Then I asked him point blank, “how important is this to you, really?”
He answered honestly and said, he would really like it if I took his name, but completely understood my dilemma. Now, it is very important to me to stress that my husband in no way pressured me to change my name. My husband is a feminist who has always pushed me to be the best version of myself and supported me in everything that I do. But, knowing that this was important to him did make it much more difficult for me to decide on my name.
How did I want to be known for the rest of my life both personally and professionally?
Right in the middle of this young-life-crisis, I started applying to law school under my maiden name. My law school was very into last names (in fact, throughout law school, I referred to most of my cohorts by their last name). So, for the first year of my law school career I was known throughout the halls of FIU Law as “Marrero”.
I was painfully aware that the clock was ticking on the amount of time that I had to change my name without having to come out of pocket for the name change, if I wanted it. I finally decided that enough was enough and took the day off of work and marched down to the Social Security Administration and pulled the proper form. Even then, I was not sure of how I wanted to complete the form. How did I want to be known for the rest of my life both personally and professionally? That’s a big question for a young woman in her early 20s.
Finally, in a moment of panic, I jotted something down – since I could not choose a single last name, I chose both. Hey, if Hillary Rodham Clinton can do it, so can I! It just felt right.
Slowly but surely, I started changing my name across the board. Yes – this included an amendment to my Florida Bar Board of Bar Examiner’s application (which if you don’t know, you start to complete in your 1L year).
Adding my husband’s name to my name was absolutely the right choice for me. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. My maiden name is my history – my husband’s name is my future. Fusing those two names together perfectly captures me. The only downside – flying. Flying sucks. My nineteen-character last name never fits on my ticket. Oh, and filling out the name bubbles on the bar exam, that sucked too!
I know that many young women beginning their legal careers face a similar dilemma. Getting married is a very personal and sacred act. Not everyone feels so comfortable sharing personal details of their life with their clients or colleagues. Although I was only working as a legal assistant when I was married, I did not tell any of my clients or colleagues that I was getting married. I firmly believe in drawing strict boundaries between client and attorney. Changing my name triggered a number of conversations that caused me to reveal personal details of my life that I would have much preferred to have kept personal. I know many young female attorneys who never change their names for this very reason.
Most of my male cohorts and colleagues have not (and will never) experience this.
I do want to mention a notable and rising trend among my colleagues is for both spouses to adopt each other’s names. This is a beautiful approach which beautiful captures the essence of the marriage partnership and union.
Whether you decide to keep your maiden name, adopt your spouse’s name, or come up with a new last name with your spouse, make sure that you are making the right choice for you. Tradition is never a good enough reason to do something that you do not want to do. Your name is the essence of your identity – how do you want to be known for years to come?
The Lady Esquire 