Writing is cathartic for me. There is just something about putting words on a page in the exact order that you intend, to convey the exact message that you intend – that’s beautiful to me.
I’ve had a hard time organizing my thoughts about this blog entry. I don’t know why – well, actually, that’s a lie. I do know why. It’s just been a little too close for comfort.
You all know that I have been in the middle of a transitory period in my professional and personal life. In case there is any question in your mind, change is hard for me. That is why I poured over a year’s worth of prayer into this period of my life, petitioning God for transition in lieu of change. Why transition? Well, transition comes gradually. Change is sudden, unexpected, and can be a shock to your system if you are not ready for it.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that God’s hand has been over the transition. But, it still has not been easy. A lot of unexpected things went down during those last 48 hours at my old firm. Things that shook me to my core. Those events resulted in baggage – baggage that I took with me to my next season.
When I started working at my current job, I had a chip on my shoulder. To put it bluntly – I didn’t trust anyone. My trust had been so violated just a few days prior to starting this position, I just didn’t know what to believe.
To be honest, my foundations were shaken at the core – how could God let this happen? Didn’t He hear my cries? Why would He send me off like that – in humiliation, especially after I did everything the right way? I was upset. I was ruminating. And, to be honest with you, I was allowing anger to stir up inside me. Add to that the vulnerability of starting over at a new job after being at one place for 7.5 years. It was a lot. My confidence was shaken too.
I am blessed enough to have a dedicated prayer room in my home. Every night I go in there; I shut the door; and I have my time with God. Like any relationship, sometimes my alone time with God is powerful, meaningful, and restorative. Other times, it’s silent. During that dark time at the beginning of 2021, my time with God was silent.
But, I still showed up. And, so did He (even when I didn’t feel it).
If I was going to complete my transition to this next season, I had to forgive.
I sat alone for what felt like days and weeks of stillness with God until one day He showed up. I can’t tell you exactly how it happened, but my whole attitude towards the situation where I was hurt shifted. All I know is that during that time of silence, I asked God some tough questions. I knew that if I was going to keep walking towards my purpose, I had to stay FAR, FAR away from any label of being a victim. And, that I had to stay even further away from ruminating on those last 48 hours at my old firm. If I was going to complete my transition to this next season, I had to forgive.
Oh boy, there it is: forgiveness! What a small word to encompass such a large act.
What does it mean to forgive? To be honest, I don’t know. In my mind and in my heart, forgiveness is releasing the person or situation from the emotion and pain that they caused you. In my circumstance, that meant covering and lifting the person and situation that hurt me in prayer, but permanently removing them from my life.
Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to me. So, I work on this a little bit everyday. When the feeling of unforgiveness, anger, or hurt washes over me. I try to pray over the situation (Side Note: you truly can’t be angry at someone and pray for them – hate and love cannot coexist, so when you’re angry: pray) I think that forgiveness looks different in every circumstance, this is just my experience.
So where did that leave me? Well, it left me with confidence.
Confidence? Where did that come from? Easy. You see, when you believe that your God is great enough to take the hurt and the pain from a situation, you are left with nothing but the confidence that your God is great enough to get you through whatever you are facing. This includes the confidence in knowing and believing that God’s grace is sufficient to get you to (and through) your next season).
Listen guys, don’t be like me. Don’t make the mistake of carrying old baggage into new seasons. Have the confidence to give your pain to the creator, and the confidence to walk into your new season renewed.
I can’t claim that I am some finished work that walks around glowing in the presence of God without struggles. Quite the opposite. I am human. I am flawed. But, I am growing.
I have grown more in the last 5 months at my new job than I had grown in 5 years at my old job. Everyday is challenge. Everyday I am learning something new. I have learned how to trust again. I can say with confidence that I do not walk around with a chip on my shoulder anymore. I am happy. I am learning. I am growing. I am thriving.
The Lady Esquire 